Blog Post #8

At this moment, I am a mess. And I’ve never felt more alive.

Before college, I felt so secure in myself and my values and what I believed in and who I wanted to be. I had always known what I was good at and who to hang out with and how to get everywhere I was going. Then I decided to move 800 miles away from home basically just because the weather’s nicer.

When I first got here, I had no idea what I was doing. I felt like I was in a whole different world, filled with sweet tea and southern drawls and people I didn’t quite understand. I didn’t know a single person here. I remember my first time in the dining hall, looking at all the people with all their friends and wondering how they already knew people.

I spent lots of time with my roommate and her two friends from high school, who I really didn’t fit in with too well. For the first time in my life really, I felt out of place. It was all very Cady Herring-esque.

I also felt alone. Never before had I had teachers with such strict attendance policies or such indifference towards my grade; I got what I worked for, and I was responsible for making sure I knew all the rules and deadlines. My mom wasn’t there to pound on my door when I didn’t get out of bed on time. Not many people were there to ask me how my day went.

But then something changed; I got used to it.

I made great friends and got a job and learned my way around school and completely made a new life for myself on my own. I have never been so independent in my life, and it is honestly the most refreshing feeling.

I’ve also never been so confused. I’ve met so many people with values that are completely different than anything I’ve ever considered and encountered so many challenges that I’ve had to find new ways to overcome and it is seriously skewing my priorities. I used to know what I wanted to do, what I didn’t, how I thought things should be; now I feel like almost all my inhibitions have disappeared. I have no idea what course my life should take or what the best option is to take me there, so I’m just winging it and going with it.

I’ve developed this policy where I absolutely have to do things that scare me.

I pierced my nose. I almost got a tattoo last week on a whim. I decided to double major and double minor, just because I can.

I feel like college does this thing where it completely breaks you down as a person, and forces you to build yourself back up. I never realized how important that was until I got here.

My perception of myself and my world had been completely built for me back home; I grew up into it. Here, I started with nothing but a class schedule. I had to question everything make my own place in a totally different setting. I had no idea how much work that would be, or how capable I was of doing it.

I feel so much more grown up, and it’s only been eight months. I feel so much more open-minded and thoughtful and free. Not only have my classes and peers forced me to learn and think about the world in a completely different way, they’ve changed my view on myself.

I used to feel so constrained to a single path, and that if I deviated at all from it I would be lost. Now I’m thinking lost might be the best place to be.

There’s this Alice in Wonderland quote that says,

I think that’s so profound and true. I had to read that book, and I super connected with Alice. I have no idea where I’m going anymore, and I realized that most of the fun of life is figuring it out. I’ve realized that I’m free to do literally anything I want, and that I might as well do it, because you learn a lot more from going out and trying things than you do sitting on the sidelines watching everybody else live. I’ve learned that our entire lives are subject to our creation, and every experience we go through serves as a building block. I’ve learned that life is supposed to be a learning experience, and right now I’m just enjoying the ride.